One year ago today...

I have tried a few times to put into words how I felt this day one year ago, but somehow the words just aren't adequate. I was living in a PERFECT world up until the morning of June 16, 2007. I found out the most devastating news ever. I found a website that had some quotes that put into words how I felt.

"Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you and you meant nothing to him."

My perfect world was shattered to pieces when I found out that Jason had been unfaithful to me and our marriage vows. It wasn't just a one time thing. He wasn't sorry for it. There were layers and layers of deception. Every single day, I found out something more that he had done. He came back from Colorado, and I had a decision to make...should I stay with him and make it work, or should I cut my losses and move on? I decided to stay, forgive him, and make it work, b/c I loved him more than anything in the world. I stayed for 2 weeks, which doesn't seem like very long, but, like I said, every single day I found out something new that he had lied to me about. It finally came to a breaking point and I had to decide if I was going to keep walking on egg shells in my own home or if I was going to do what was best for Autumn & I. When I found this quote on that website today, it hit home...

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes
it is letting go."

So, I made the hardest decision of my life and packed up all of my belongings and with my mom's help and the support of all my family and friends, I moved back home to Texas to start my life over without the person that I loved most. Now at this point, one year later, I look back on all that has transpired since then and this quote fits what I feel...

"I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was."

I definitely have had my share of crying. I would save my tears for my 30 minute drive to and from work everyday. That was the 2 times a day that I could be weak and sad. I had to be strong at work, and I didn't want to take my frustrations and heartache home to Autumn or my family everyday. So I allowed myself that little time each day to mourn the loss of what was supposed to be the best thing in my life. I still get sad every once in a while, especially when I see happy families at church. But then I remind myself that I have the best part of Jason...my little Autumn Bottom. My life would not be complete at all without her. And if I had to go through all the gut wrenching pain of divorce again, I would do it in a heart beat just to have my Autumn. When I look at her, I don't see any of the bad, I only see the pride and joy and love of my life. This is my favorite quote that I found on the website, b/c it is EXACTLY how I look at the whole situation now...

"Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened."

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been there for me through all of the good and bad times. I feel like I'm a much stronger person b/c of the whole situation. I am blessed beyond measure to have such amazing family and friends!