I’m A New Mom All Over Again

No, I am NOT pregnant!!!  Tonight (just about 20 minutes ago actually) I had a very interesting and special experience.  But let me start at the beginning…

I picked Autumn up at daycare today and her teacher told me that Autumn spent about 3 hours in the 2 year old room today (the next age up from the room she’s in now) to help transition her when she moves up in January when she is officially 2.  I didn’t think anything of it and headed out to the car with Autumn.  She did her usual of waving good bye to the babies as we passed that room, waved good bye to the fishes as we walked past the fish tank, etc.  I put her in her car seat and she freaked out and had a fit.  That’s nothing new, b/c she does that every once in a while.  However, tonight was different b/c she was a lot more fussy than usual.  We got home and she was good for a little while and we ate dinner and then I put her blanket and sheets in the wash b/c they were dirty.  She wasn’t happy about that and I tried everything to get her to stop being fussy.  Nothing worked.  Mom had to take Nate to his college class, so I figured Autumn and I would go with them since Autumn likes riding in the car.

However, tonight was different.  The whole ride over and the whole ride back she was fussy and would cry and kick her feet and throw her sippy cup.  I tried EVERYTHING!  I tried singing, I tried giving her kisses and playing with her hand, I tried ignoring her, but nothing worked.  So, we finally got home and I took her in to give her a bath b/c she LOVES taking bubble baths.  I went to get her undressed and you would have thought WWIII broke out.  I’ve never seen her act like that.  But, she still needed a bath so I put her in the tub and gave her a super quick bath even though she was screaming the whole time.  I got her out and wrapped her up in her towel and took her in the living room to put on her diaper.  She was hysterical by this point and I was getting to the end of my rope.

Mom had to leave to go pick up Nick.  I went and got Autumn’s jammies and blanket and sheets out of the dryer to put her to bed.  She was laying on the floor and could hardly breathe b/c she was so upset and had been crying non-stop for so long.  I picked her up to hug her and she full on slapped me across the side of the face and her fingernail scratched my eye.  At that point, I had reached the end of my rope.  I realized there was nothing I could do to help her and I just started sobbing.  Tears rolled down my cheeks and I could not have stopped them even if I wanted to.  I was glad I was home alone so I could let out all the tears that I have been holding in for the past week. Tears of frustration.  Tears of heartache.  Tears of pain.  Tears of worry that I’m not a good enough Mom to figure out what my daughter needs from me.  Tears of gratitude that I have such a supportive and loving family that let me know I’m not all alone in raising Autumn.  Tears of thanks that I get to spend every single day with her.  Tears of joy that I get to be her mother.

I’ve always said that women tend to live longer, b/c we cry more than men do.  I firmly believe that there is something very healthy and cleansing and healing about a good cry.  I just held her all wrapped up in her fuzzy pink blanket that was all nice and toasty warm b/c it came straight out of the dryer, and we cried together.  That was such a sweet and tender moment and I felt such a bond and connection with her.  I went in and sat down in the recliner near her crib and just sat and rocked her to sleep.  I haven’t done that in such a long time, and I thought about all of the things I love about her and how my life would be absolutely incomplete without her.  Right there in that moment I felt the way I did when I heard her cry for the first time in the delivery room when she was born and I knew that she was mine forever.  That is when a whole new batch of fresh tears flowed down my face.  They were tears of unconditional love.