My Bestest Friend

I want to document what has happened over the past few days.

Friday, 9/26/08: I got home from work, played with Autumn, and then she went to bed early. I went and sat in the hot tub, b/c Dangerfield's had come over and it was on. I just sat there and relaxed and then decided I wanted to go see Tyler Perry's "The Family the Preys" at 10:10. It was so nice to go to the movies alone and just enjoy being me instead of Autumn's mom or the Office Manager, etc. It was such a good movie. It was about 2 friends, their families, and a trip they take to enjoy life and really live, not just exist. One of the friends dies at the end, and it was so touching. During the whole movie, I kept thinking it was a movie Tara would like and that we would have to rent and watch together the next time we got together. When it was over, I looked at my cell phone and noticed I had missed a call from Michael. As soon as I saw that, my heart sunk, b/c why else would he be calling at 11:45 at night? I called back and couldn't get a hold of him. I called Jeremy and he told me that Tara had died that night. I just started bawling and said, "No, Jeremy, no!" I rushed home and was going to pack up and head over to Longview right away. But, I got home and Mom was in the rocking chair holding Autumn, b/c Autumn had thrown up. Mom talked me into going to bed and waiting to drive the 3 hours to Longview in the morning so I wouldn't fall asleep at the wheel or drive while I was emotional. I went to bed and just lay there thinking about Tara.

Saturday, 9/27/08: I got up at 7:30 when Autumn started crying to get out of bed. I got her out of bed, started some laundry, map quested the way to Tara's, cleaned my room, packed some clothes, gave Autumn a bath and got her dressed for the day, and then I left around 12:30 when Autumn went down for her nap. I drove to Longview and went over to Tara's parent's house. I walked in and just hugged Deb (Tara's mom) and Jeremy (her brother). We just held each other and cried. My heart just breaks for them. I helped Jeremy look through some pictures that we wanted to put together for Tara's slide show at the funeral. There was SO MUCH FOOD over at Deb & Paul's house! Anyways, Michael came and got Deb and they went over to the funeral home to make the arrangements. Jeremy and I went over to Tara & Michael's apartment to find more pictures. It was so overwhelmingly sad to walk into the apartment without her there. Everywhere I looked there were reminders and memories of Tara. We looked through some of her things and I found a bag of makeup and looked in that since Tara loved makeup. I started crying when I found a little thing of eye shadow that Tara put on me right before my wedding. I had forgotten to bring makeup and she had a cow that I didn't have any makeup on for my wedding. She put this really light gold, shimmery eye shadow on me, and I found that in the bag of makeup. After a while, we went back over to Deb & Paul's house and talked with Michael about the funeral arrangements and then Michael went home to rest. Jeremy and I stayed and talked with some of his family members that had come over to visit. I just love Tara's extended family. They were all so nice and friendly and sweet to me. A lot of them even asked how Autumn was doing. It made me feel so good and made me feel like I had known them for forever. After a while, we headed back over to the apartment to see how Michael was doing, but he was sleeping, which I was so glad about, b/c he hadn't slept in over 48 hours. Jeremy and I sat and wrote out Tara's obituary and eulogy. That was a hard thing to do, b/c there is no way to describe how amazing Tara is in mere words. But, we did get it done. By that time, it was about 11:00 at night and we were both wiped out, so we went to bed. I was sleeping on the couch, and I just stared at this corner of her living room and thought about how every little thing had a touch of Tara. From the red floral decoration above the blinds, to the picture of her and Michael, to her wedding bouquet on the top of the bookshelf, to the tons and tons of movies. I wanted to capture that moment in time in my mind and how there are so many things I love about her.

Sunday, 9/28/08: Today we got up at around 8:30 and got cleaned up. Michael wanted to sleep, so Jeremy and I decided to get out and get some fresh air. We went over to a book shop and got some hot chocolate and then headed over to Burlington Coat Factory so that Jeremy could try and buy a suit for the funeral. We didn't find anything there, so we went over to the mall. The stores didn't open until 12:00, so we walked around and went and found one of those photo booths where you can take silly pictures. He and Tara had done that before, so we thought we would do it in honor of her. It was a bitter-sweet experience. We were laughing so hard when we saw this vending machine for ProActiv! What in the heck? It was just fun to walk around and do things Tara would have done if she were there. After walking around for a while, we decided to head over to the house. Jake (Tara's other brother), Alma (his wife), and their 5 kids had come in from Arizona. I sat on the couch and 3 of the little girls came and sat on my lap and the oldest one read to me. It was so sweet and those girls were just adorable. It made me miss Autumn. After a while, we it was getting crazy over there with all the family and visitors, and Jake's baby needed some milk, so Jeremy, Deb, and I left to go to WalMart and get some milk. Jeremy wanted to do something nice for his mom, so he paid for her to get a mani/pedi. While we were gone, there was some drama, but it was calmed down when we got back. I had a little picnic outside w/ Jake and the girls, and just sat and talked w/ Tara's family. At 6:00, there were a group of us that were going to go over to the funeral home to dress Tara's body. I ran back to the apartment to get my church clothes and then back to the house. I caught a ride over with Michael's mom and some people from church. We got there, and Tara didn't even look like herself. There were 2 women from church there doing her hair and makeup. They asked if I wanted to help and I said, "Yeah, right. I never wear makeup and Tara would hate me for all of eternity if I did her makeup, b/c I have no clue what I'm doing and Tara is very particular about her makeup." So, I just sat and waited while they did her makeup and hair. Once they had her eye shadow and lipstick on, she looked so much more like my Tara. After they were done, a bunch of us when in and got her dressed. We said a prayer before we started, and I felt Tara there with me. I almost reached out to hold her hand in the empty space next to me. It was a very spiritual experience and it was so touching to do that last little bit of service for her. After we were done around 9:30, a group of us headed over to Sonic to get a drink, in honor of Tara. I hardly even knew those women I was in the car with, but I felt like I knew them and we just laughed and talked and celebrated Tara's life. I felt like I belonged, and it was nice to be around other women that knew how amazing Tara was. We went back to the house and I got my car and went over to the apartment. Michael, Jeremy, and 2 of Tara's guy cousins were there watching a movie and eating pizza. I was so glad to see that Michael could have some relaxation time and focus on something not so "heavy" and emotional. After the movie was over, they left, and we went to bed.

Monday, 9/29/08: We got up today, and Brian (Jeremy's other half) had flown in late at night and drove over and got there in the middle of the night. We got dressed and went over to the family viewing at the funeral. Michael went in first and had some alone time with Tara. Then we all got to go in, and he just sat on the bench and cried and cried. I was glad to see that, b/c he had been holding it together and been so strong the whole time. I just sat by him and wished there were something I could do for him. The rest of the family came in and we all had a good cry. After a while, we needed to go and get some things done. We went back to the apartment and relaxed for a while. Michael went to lunch with his family and Jeremy and Brian went to get some shoes and a shirt for Jeremy. Mom called and told me her and Autumn were coming, so I went and met them at the hotel Mom got. It was a "roach motel" and I should have known we were in trouble when I found a roach on it's back outside our door. I went to kick it out of the way so Autumn wouldn't touch it, and it started moving. I ran over and stepped on that thing about 10 times! Anyways, Mom took a nap and I played with Autumn. Then we were hungry, so we went over to the house to eat some of the food they had there. I don't know how it was possible, there was even MORE food over there! We sat and talked to Tara's grandma and ate some scrumptious food. Autumn played with Jake's kids and had a BLAST! We were all amazed that Autumn looked so much like the Jake's girls. She could have fit right in with their family and no one would have questioned if she belonged. Then it was time for the open viewing at the funeral home. We got dressed and drove over. There were SO MANY flowers everywhere. It was beautiful. So many people came, and it was most touching to see so many of her students from the High School she taught at to be there. Autumn was OK for a little bit, but then she got restless, so we left after about an hour and went back to the hotel. We were pretty worn out, so we went to bed at 9:00. I woke up around 11:30 b/c Autumn was crying for another bottle. I felt something on my hand, so I jumped up and turned on the light, and there was a little roach crawling in the bed! I screamed and hit it to kill it, and it disappeared. I lifted up the pillow, and it was under there and started crawling towards Autumn's hair! I grabbed her and moved her, so she started crying. By this time, Mom was awake and now the roach was crawling towards her (we were in a king bed). I told her to hit it, so she swatted it towards me, which made me freak out. I tried hitting it again to kill it, but that only put it back by mom. It was crawling along her leg, and she just hit it onto the floor. I ran over to grab my shoe to step on it, and it was gone! I had a hard time getting back in that bed and going to sleep. But, I finally did fall asleep. We woke up in the morning and laughed about the whole thing, b/c it was funny then, but it was not funny when it was happening.

Tuesday, 9/30/08: We got up this morning and got cleaned up and then headed over to Waffle House for breakfast. Autumn was being her cute little self and waving at everyone in the restaurant. After that we went and checked out of the hotel and headed over to the apartment to see Michael and Jeremy and Brian. We sat and talked for a while and then it was time to get ready for the family luncheon at the church. Mom didn't want to go, so she took Autumn and went to WalMart. I went over to the church and they had quite the spread of food for the family luncheon. There was a little bit of drama w/ the family, but it all worked out in the end, so I'm thankful for that. I was glad to see people put away their pettiness and do what Tara would have wanted, since it was about her and not them. I went and peeked in the chapel, and there were flowers EVERYWHERE! It was gorgeous. Michael's aunt and mom had made 2 huge poster boards of pictures of Tara, and they turned out beautifully and were so touching! There was also a TV near the entrance to the chapel w/ the slide show of Tara playing. I just sat and looked all the pictures of her and my heart ached! After the luncheon, Mom and Autumn came to the church. I put Autumn in the dress Tara had gotten her for Christmas. At 2:45 they had a special little family meeting in the Relief Society room. Tara's friend from college, Rachel, got there with just 5 minutes to spare. She had flown in to Dallas from California, and then drove from Dallas. I was glad she made it. They closed the casket and had a family prayer. Then we went in the chapel to start the funeral services, and it was PACKED! There were so many people there for Tara. It was so touching. The program was beautiful and reverent and thoughtful. I started crying during the opening song, b/c Tara used to sing that song to Autumn..."I Wonder When He Comes Again." The meeting went longer than expected, and I know Tara would have been rolling her eyes and making little comments, b/c that's how she was. It made me smile and miss her so much! After the funeral services, everyone left to go to the burial. Autumn was being such a stinker, b/c she hadn't had a nap, so I decided not to go. I had said my good byes and thought it best if I went home. As I was walking out of the church to go to my car, I walked past a room where just 3 years ago I had helped Tara get dressed for her wedding reception. I just walked in there and stood there and cried. It still has not sunk in to me that Tara is gone. She is my best friend and we have been there for each other through thick and thin. I have only known her for 10 years, but it feels like we've been friends forever. She had such a huge influence on my life and I know that I will miss her more as time goes on.



I wanted to thank everyone for the well wishes and prayers and kind thoughts for me and her family. It has meant so much, and has for sure helped me get through this hard time.