A Prayer That Brought Me To Tears

The majority of today was just the usual…work, “college”, dinner, and watching TV.  Mom & I made ham party roll ups for dinner (so scrumptious) and while they were baking in the oven, Autumn wanted me to watch one of her Barbie movies with her.  She thought it was so cool when I put the foot rest up and leaned back in the chair.  She eagerly climbed into my lap and laid in the chair with me.  It struck me how she won’t want to do that for very much longer and how I have to cherish these small moments of her childhood. 

After dinner, Mom & I watched some recorded episodes of America’s Got Talent and Chopped while Autumn played w/ her dolls.  Then it was time to go home so I could put Autumn to bed.

We got home and for no reason at all she had a complete melt down.  I told her it was time for bed and went in her room and tried to help her take of her shirt so she could put on her jammies.  She freaked out and grabbed a pile of clean clothes on her bed and threw them on the floor and then screamed at me.  To my credit, I didn’t get mad or yell…I just stood up and told her she can’t act like that and be an “icky dog” (a phrase that Grandma Johnson used to say all the time).  I told her we could talk when she calmed down and then I walked out of her room and shut the door.  That made her even more mad and she came tearing out of her room and tried to hit me.  I put her back in her room and shut the door and just held the doorknob so she couldn’t come out and try to hit me again.

She started really screaming at this point and crying simultaneously.  When I heard her go over by her bed and away from the door I let go of the doorknob (but still kept the door shut) and went and sat on the couch in the living room.  I heard her in her room crying and it took her a few minutes to realize I wasn’t holding the doorknob anymore so she came in the living room just sobbing.  I took her in my arms and set her on my lap and just rubbed her back and talked to her softly and gently about how she needs to be a nice girl instead of an icky dog.  She accused me through her sobs of locking her door and I calmly explained I didn’t lock her door, that I was just holding the doorknob.  Anyways, after she finally calmed down and apologized for acting yucky, we started her bedtime routine again.  We brushed her teeth, got her in her jammies, and then it was time to say prayers.

We take turns saying the prayer, and tonight was her turn.  She didn’t want to but I just knelt next to the bed and waited for her to start.  It took about a minute, but she finally realized I wasn’t going to say it and so she started her prayer.  I used to tell her what to say and then she would repeat it back, but lately I’ve been letting her say whatever she wants and not interrupting her (which is my usual tendency) if she goes off on a tangent.  I want her to have real conversations w/ her Heavenly Father and not just repeat the usual things we tend to say in prayers.

She started with the usual things about how we’re thankful for this day and we’re thankful for all the safety we had.  Then she paused and started sniffing and just poured her little heart out to Heavenly Father about how she had been an icky dog and that I had shut her in her room and how she didn’t like it when I did that, etc.  I started getting teary eyed (and am getting that way now just typing this up) by her sweet and innocent and heartfelt prayer.  What really choked me up was when she said, “I love my Mama so much and know she loves me and we are best friends.”  I know for sure that she won’t always feel that way, especially when she’s a teenager (even though I will always love her), and that’s why I make sure that when I tuck her into bed at night she knows that she is my greatest blessing, no matter what ever else has happened during the day.  I look into her eyes while I’m playing with her hair and tell her how much she means to me and that I love her so much.

Being a mother (especially a single mother) is so challenging at times and I feel like I fall short so often.  For example, she’ll want me to play Barbies with her but I’m so tired from working all day that I just want some “me” time to relax and watch TV so I’ll put on a movie for her, when really what I should be doing is making her the priority instead of my own selfish needs.  But at the end of the day, when it’s all said and done, being a mother is the greatest blessing in the world.  And Autumn’s simple prayer tonight just reaffirmed that to me.  We’ll have our disagreements and hardships and trials, but in the end we love each other and that’s the most important thing.